"A twisted convulsion of vicious nonsense masquerading as journalism."
Welcome to the BeachGrit 2023 Preseason Power Rankings!Are you excited?!
35. Jadson André
Put here based on my desire to use “Now, if we already died with Jaddy, we believe that we will also live with him: knowing that Jaddy, having risen from the dead, dies no more; death no longer has dominion over him. For in what he died, to sin he died once; but what he lives for, he lives for Bob [Kellz]. Similarly, consider yourself dead to sin but alive to Bob through Jaddy our Lord” after he wins the Pipe.
34. Liam O'Brien
Injured and thrown out of the Tour last year before he had a chance to surf, we can see him losing skill this year.
Michael is back for the next Tour... I think he's been surfing, right? I don't know. Hold on to your acai bowls, Letty.
32. Ryan Callinan
I still remember a time when I saw the awesome Blow Up back lunges. That was a long time ago.
31. Ramzi Boukhiam
After spending 10 years in the 'QS and Challenger series, Moroccan Kelly Slater finally qualified for the 'CT this year! What fun! I read it somewhere... or heard it maybe? ...it is said that Ramzi's long tenure in the minor leagues should not be taken as an indication of her true level of talent. I don't know, but maybe people like David Scales are right and he'll become the first 29-year-old rookie worth watching. With a broken ankle already, he doesn't look too good.
With a surprisingly successful rookie year last year, the highlights for him were 1) beating JJF at Sunset and; 2) somehow managing to be on the right side of the cut line after Margs, Young Snake can take on Pipe this year with the benefit of a medium seed, free to continue without barreling.
29. Jackson Baker
Looking like a mustachioed Humpty Dumpty, Jacko enters the 2023 season determined to improve his ranking... I mean, I guess, since generally people want to do better than before... anyway...
28. Waida River
A potential Rookie of the Year candidate this year, Rio could do just fine! It might as well not. It could end anywhere from 11 to 34.
27. Caio Ibelli
Caio had a great year last year, winning three semifinals and finishing in the Top 10 at the end of the year. It seems a bit strange then that I have it here.
26. Ian Gentil
It would be fun to have Ian comment on his views on the new government of Israel.
25. Mateo McGillivray
The Lord. Post-It notes removed a rabbit from his prolapsed rectum to survive the cut last summer to the delight of precisely six people around the world. I wonder if one of the six includes the person who let him park in the alley garage in Make or Break, where they pretended he was homeless.
24. K-Hole Andino
Not having been particularly good at anything, I like to imagine that life as a former child prodigy would, under most circumstances, be difficult and/or depressing. A sensational adolescence that gives way to a life of unrealized potential and cheap jokes at its expense, an existence that is largely and largely defined by questions of what if? And if, in general, on any topic, while it may not be funny to the failed prodigy when addressed, it's funny to everyone else almost no matter what, the debate becomes contagious.
When it comes to the world of surfing, the two most exciting "what ifs" to contemplate are 1) what if Ms. Defay and I responded to separate DMs about a year and a half ago? Is; 2) what if K-Hole's father was not Dino and he was born in 1987? I am 100% sure that in this scenario, K-Hole would not have become a professional surfer and would have spent his sophomore year wearing tube socks paired with Adidas flip-flops, calf-length jean shorts, and a bright orange t-shirt. . University of Miami (calling it "The U") Ken Dorsey and speaking in a black t-shirt.
23. Maximus Huscenot
It has been a long and difficult road for the Frenchman, a road marked by tragic interludes that included the St. Bartholomew's Day Massacre before his qualification for the World Championship through the Edict of Nantes, an uneasy peace that we hope will we will achieve. not have to revisit.
22. Seth Moniz
A great start to the year last year, Seth ended up injured and apparently decided it would be best to try out for the Three Stooges (so much shock). If the surf is good, he shouldn't have a problem re-qualifying and maybe making it to the Top-10.
21. Juan Chianca
The most exciting rookie on Tour last year, dazzling viewers when he lost efforts to Double John at Pipe and Bells, Baby Chumbo missed the cut and finished embarrassingly short of the human TV static Jake Marshall at Rookie-of-the - Race of the year, won by Eyebrow Williams.
20. Leonardo Fioravanti
Winner of the Challenger Series last year after being eliminated from the Tour last year, Leo will have to work hard and be very lucky that he doesn't mention Roberto Benigni in reference to him... wait, shit...
19. John John Florence
Married and living with a Kafk-sized injury that has plagued him since 2017, not to mention concerns about his clothing brand, John John may not have what it takes to challenge for a title this year. Is it stupid of me to say it? Yeah.
18. Samuel Pupo
Sammy joins Bruce and Mikey as the younger pro surfer brother, who some, consumed by a case of talkative diarrhea, have said "might" be better than the older brother, but isn't really a club. Epic.
17. Jordan Michael Smith
After a bad year last year, in which our aging hero relied impartially and passively on the widely held idea that he could win a world title, Jordan's career stands at a crossroads. Should he try to win, only to come up short yet again? Or should he give up winning and settle for crossing over and making the cut? Anyway, ten years from now, we'll see a surfing cameo in a video of a hot young ripper and think he kicks ass and remember he was really good.
16. Zeke Lau
One more year, one more time for people like me to convince myself that things will be different and Zeke will finally become a top 10 surfer. Like the on-off ex you knew things inevitably wouldn't work out with, but you kept coming back just because she was there, available, still looked good, and you didn't realize there were more than the five men she'd dated. In the world for her, maybe things will work out for Zeke... at least until he realizes that becoming a server at Tommy Bahama is the best option.
15. Callum Robson
Equipped with a virtually anonymous profile and pretty decent rail play for last season, like Morgan before him, Callum was able to intoxicate the judges on chips and surf with great results! Hopefully, unlike Morgs, he won't shit his bed this year.
14. Connor O'Leary
Surfer's jack of all trades, master of none, Connor was entertaining enough last year, coming out against the cut and winless last minute at G-Land while surfing well enough to re-qualify. He looks like he could still reach the top of it, assuming the role of the new Ace.
13. Nat Young
Nat is a very good surfer, one who should be able to take advantage of his backside surfing, which the judges have rated very well in the past, to make enough sets to requalify if he doesn't make it very far in Pipe.
12. Barrao Mamiya
Entering the field and winning his second event of the year at Sunset to take the lead in the early standings, Barron steadily descended the rankings, finishing ninth in any meet for the remainder of the year. Taking the results alone, you'd think he sucked the rest of the year, which he didn't, he tore apart, especially in his heat with Golden Boy of the Year Jack Robbo at Margs where after the Pritamo meet he met head lodged in Jack's colon.
11. Kelly Slater
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop according to that owl? More than the number of event wins Kelly has left. Still the best surfer to watch on Pipe and Te-ah-hu-p-o-o-o-o, I'm so excited for Kelly to take the mic and start focusing on his next real life, telling stories about himself while commenting on surfing competitions. .
10. Kanoa Igarashi
Coming to a position for Kanoa this year, I was conflicted. Based on his trip to Finals Day and his placement in the Top 5 at the end of the year, I would expect him to top the list. Easy enough, except I still couldn't factor his shockingly low ranking in the unpublished and unwritten "BeachGrit Presents: The Rizz* Power Rankings" into the equation, where I think I would write, "although sometimes it can benefit whites." girls who think he might be a K-Pop band member, Kanoa's ability to attract women is due to a trio of factors, including 1) the words he says sound garbled and somewhat muffled like he's trying to talk to someone below. water; 2) him referring to himself in the third person, and; 3) his insistence on endlessly quoting the Art of the World to potential partners in order to appear more intelligent and worldly.
9. Ethan Ewing
As a salon surf coach, I think a winning strategy for Ethan would be to catch more waves while surfing better than anyone else. Sorry, I commissioned the team behind the idiotic sports talk show to write the Ewing section for me because I kept falling asleep.
8. Italo Ferreira
With Gabe's return full-time, Italo should be able to surf well enough to crack the Top 10, but he probably won't be able to convince everyone that he's clearly the best goofball on Tour, as he had the chance to do last year. .
7. Iago Dora
This is the year that Yago takes over as the second best blunder on the Tour. Write this down.
6. Filipe Toledo
With Tub in the lineup and Trestles, where he can show off his best railing and top-notch aerial skills, still looming as the Finals Day venue, Fil is the heavy favorite to take the title.
Why classified here then?
Mainly because, even with the recent big swell in Southern California, I haven't seen him ride waves higher than head height in any clip recently, the newly added geometric lines to his lion chest tattoo look hideous and ... no, that's him.
5. Colapinto Griffin
With a versatile skill set that should allow him to compete for a win at just about every spot on this year's schedule except Wave Ranch, Griff will break into the Top 5 by year's end.
Having finals day at Trestles hurts Jack more than any other title contender. In just about any other good wave of high-performance players around the world, he could be considered a favorite. The problem is that on Lowers you'd probably believe you'd be attacked by a shark than you'd be able to beat Fil or Gabe there, whose skills on that wave are on a level well beyond anyone else's by an order of magnitude higher. than otherwise. maybe anywhere else except the bathtub. So I just have to mention that December of this year will mark the 10th anniversary of the last Australian world champion being crowned. So sad.
3. Miguel Pupo
Still riding on his victory in Tahiti late last year, I'm putting Miguel here for the simple reason that I like him, I want him to do well and I do what I want.
Back in action after missing the first half of last year on a self-imposed hiatus for emotional healing and then the last two events for physical healing, Gabe is ready to make it to Finals Day on his way to a possible fourth title. world. When he gets there, he's the only one I have confidence in who can beat Toledo, like he did in 2021. His ability in all event venues, including specifically Hawaii and Tahiti, where Fil may decide to use the excuse of trying to not arrive. injured, he will likely keep him in first place going into the final, with a chance to only make two of three qualifiers.
1. Lucas Shepardson
During what was considered by Billiam Kemper as "the best day in the history of surfing",Luke etched his name into eternal surfing glory (the next 20 years, at least) by beating Eddie in front of an adoring, mostly digital audience., who liked the idea ofthe humble lifeguard of the north shoretaking it to the professionals, like Billiam, who do this kind of thing for a living. Or maybe I just did. Regardless, I am delighted to take the easy path and award you the title of Most Powerful.